Why I Hate My Captain
by frosty wonder ice
Summary: Scorpius Malfoy knew being the assistant to the Auror Captain would be challenging, just not that what it would challenge is his patience. How long can he manage before he drowns The-Man-Who-Annoys?
1. He Refuses to Fix the Portkeys

Disclaimer: Blah blah, not mine, blah blabbity blah.

I _know_ should be writing on my other fics, but I needed some humor for the day. =D

Enjoy!

-o-o-

The portkeys never worked properly. It was a bit terrifying, really, to not be able to control your body as it was flipped across the country and to not know where you were going to land. Sometimes he was dropped into a Diagon Alley shop or the muggle side of London; there was that time he ended up in a tree; also that time inside a silo when he nearly suffocated on the grain pellets, or in the ocean, nearly frozen and drowned by the waves; once even, the portkey ending location was, in fact, 20,000 feet in the _sky_. No experiences up-to-point quite matched falling to his death.

Thank Merlin he was an adept wizard.

This time, though, they were at least dropped into the Ministry.

Albeit into the giant fountain/goldfish pond that adorned the central entrance, but the Ministry nonetheless.

Splashing to the edge of the fountain, Scorpius Malfoy tried to grip the slippery tile as he coughed and hacked out the algae-tasting water. Thankfully, it was late into the evening, so no one was around to witness his spectacular fall. He heaved himself over the edge of the fountain, collapsing in a wet, exhausted heap on the other side.

Contrary to the belief of his captain, this was _not_ his favorite way to end a stressful day of chasing dark wizards.

Said captain appeared beside him then, rolling over the edge of the fountain with just as much coughing. Scorpius glared at the older man with all his might as he huffed to catch his breath. "Fix the damn portkeys already!"

Harry Potter chuckled at his assistant, for Scorpius, with soaked clothes and long wet hair clinging and dripping everywhere, looked adorably similar to a wet, hissing kitten. "It's not as much fun that way."

Before Scorpius could growl anything else at his captain, the man's face alit in shock and he sloshed to his feet so he could wriggle about and shake his clothes. Scorpius wrinkled his nose in disgust. "What _are_ you doing?"

"There's something in my robes!" Harry gasped. He danced exceptionally well for a man his age. Turning to his assistant, he squealed, "Get it out! Get it out! It's slimy!"

With an excessive sigh, Scorpius did his best to stand without slipping. He seized the childish captain by the arm with one hand to stop the man from squirming and reached into the wet robes with the other, feeling about for the offending "slimy" thing.

"No, no, it's lower!" Harry whined, shifting back and forth on his feet.

"Stop fidgeting before I grab something neither of us wants me touching!" Scorpius snapped, face heating up in embarrassment.

Finally, his fingers closed around something flopping back and forth and he pulled. Once it was free, Scorpius held the medium-sized goldfish up between them, giving his captain as flat a look as he could manage.

"Oh, well, so that's what it was," Harry said, coughing behind his hand. Ignoring the look his assistant was giving him, he drew out his wand and used a drying spell on himself. Clearing his throat, he turned back to Scorpius still holding the fish and said firmly, "Despite having gotten to third base with me, you must understand that I am a happily married man."

-o-o-

Vice Captain Ronald Weasley was still sitting grumpily at his desk finishing paperwork when he heard the _squeak, squeak, squeak_ of approaching wet shoes, soon followed by the desperate voice of his captain and best friend.

"Aww, come on!" Harry was saying, "I already said that I wasn't talking to you! I was talking to the goldfish!"

Ron leaned back in the chair to watch the show just as a wet, angry Scorpius squished his way into the Auror Headquarters, making straight for his own desk just outside the captain's office with Harry at his heels. The young Auror was trying to scowl threateningly, but he only looked like a soaked, pouting puppy while he gathered up his things, making Ron chuckle quietly.

"Pumpkin pie, don't be angry," Harry attempted to soothe, the laughter in his voice ruining the effect, "It'll make your pretty hair fall off your pretty head!"

Scorpius whirled around, grinding his teeth together as he glowered – really, like a _puppy_; the kid was the least intimidating person Ron had ever seen – but instead of snarling a insult at Harry, he just sidestepped the captain and stomped – _squish, squeak, squish, squeak_ – over to the apparition zone and spun with a _crack!_, disappearing in an instant.

Harry sighed and walked over to Ron's desk, dropping into the chair across from it. He pretended to be sad for only a moment before looking at Ron and they both cracked up in snorts of laughter.

"You really oughta stop picking on him, Harry," Ron chuckled. "You're going to lose us the one good new Auror we got this year."

Harry grinned. "Did you see him, though? All ruffled like a bird? He's so cute when he's mad."

Ron barked out a laugh and nodded. Then, indicating the giant red blotch on Harry's cheek, "Looks painful."

"Ah, yeah." Harry tenderly touched the sore spot, not meeting Ron's eyes as he lied, "Run in with those dark wizards."

"He slapped you, didn't he?"

"…with a fish, yes."


	2. He Tricks Me into Parenthood

This chapter is darker than the first, but will lead to much fun later. =D

-o-o-o-o-

The whimpering was what caught Ron's attention, sort of a soft squeak noise under the rubble of a damaged home. A quick hand across his forehead to wipe at the sweat and blood there and then he was trying to magic away the sod, wood, and rock as gently as he could without causing what had once been a roof to collapse even more. He saw the woman first and, thinking it was her that was the noise came from, called over his shoulder, "We've got a survivor here!" but upon closer inspection he found with grim sadness that she was dead.

He could still hear the whimpering and so eased away the rest of the wreckage, face lighting in shock at the small bundle wrapped protectively in the woman's arms.

"A survivor, you said?" Harry appeared at Ron's side, hope on his battle weary face, and searched the spot where Ron was staring. He, too, gasped at the bundle and he and Ron shared a quick, uncertain glance before he leaned down to remove the baby from its mother's lifeless arms.

"Oh, he's already got his human-like face," Harry said in awe as he studied the Inugami pup for injuries.

"His eyes aren't open," Ron said, peering over his captain's shoulder curiously. "Is that normal or is he hurt?"

"I don't know. We should get him to a medic." Harry re-wrapped the pup in its blanket, frowning at the dirt and blood that stained the fabric. "Are there any here yet?"

Ron shook his head with a worried look as his eyes roamed over the battle site. They had intended to negotiate with the large gang of dark wizards holding the tiny, non-hostile Inugami village hostage, but the wizards had panicked and begun to attack everyone. It would be a while yet before the site was cleared for non-Auror personnel to enter.

"Scorpius has mediwizard experience, doesn't he? Isn't that what he was doing before being transferred to us?" Ron asked, suddenly remembering their young Auror's resume.

"Oh! You're right. I think he mentioned something about that…"

Holding the pup close, Harry took off at a fast walk back to where they were assembling the injured survivors, Ron at his heels. It was easy to pick out Scorpius's straight white blonde hair and smaller human frame amongst all of the dark brown and black curls and muscular bodies of the Inugami pack.

"Scorpius!" Harry called and rushed to his assistant's side, holding the puppy out for Scorpius to take. Scorpius looked first alarmed and then unsure as he hesitantly accepted the baby creature. "His mother didn't make it. Is he hurt?"

"Um, he doesn't seem to be injured…" Scorpius said slowly, examining the pup much in the same manner that Harry had.

"His eyes aren't open," Ron said. He and Harry crowded behind the former mediwizard in concern.

"Hm?" Scorpius glanced back at the vice captain with a confused wrinkle of his brow. "Yes they are…?"

Looking again, Ron and Harry saw that the pup's eyes were indeed opening. The tiny blue orbs were watery but focused on Scorpius.

"We should hand him over to the Inugami," Scorpius said, sounding uncomfortable. "They'll know what to do with him." And, muttering under his breath, "I'm not good with children."

However, to the surprise of Scorpius and his two bosses, the older female that Scorpius tried to hand the pup to took one look at the little one and then shook her head with a deep frown, pushing the pup back to Scorpius.

"See you, you mother," the female said, voice thick with accent but firm. At the three confused expressions, she pointed from the pup's eyes to Scorpius. "First see you. You mother now."

Scorpius paled.

"Huh?"

-o-o-o-o-

"Inugami puppies imprint upon whoever they see first. This is why Inugami mothers isolate themselves until their puppies are of a certain age, despite the common wizarding belief that they're reverting to the assumed dog ancestry and being overprotective."

Hermione Weasley flicked her wand, causing the files on her husband's desk to organize themselves.

"Being visually similar to humans does not mean they are _half-human, half-dog_," she said irritably. "Just another example of ignorance and prejudice by wizards."

Her anger with the issue faded into an amused smirk when she saw the terrified look on the young Auror's face.

"So… Is there anything I can do to… _break_ the imprint?" Scorpius asked barely above a whisper.

Hermione shook her head. "I'm afraid not. You're a parent now."

"But I- I'm really not the parent type!" Scorpius exclaimed, tugging on her robe sleeve with his free hand, other hand holding the pup tenderly against his chest in spite of his words. "These last few days have been horrible! He… He… You _know_, he _goes to the bathroom_ all the time! And he cries all night!"

"You'll be fine," Hermione said, trying hard not to laugh. She hadn't believed Ron when he told her that Draco Malfoy's son was a kitten in a Malfoy shell until she met the blonde – she could practically see the cute kid's cat ears flattened despondently against his head. "Inugami don't age the same way humans do since their origins developed differently from ours. He'll pass quickly through the baby form. His longest years will be spent as a toddler, teenager, and young man."

This didn't comfort Scorpius in the slightest. "But I've worked so hard to get this far! I can't quit my job _now!_"

"We're not going to make you quit," Harry interjected, leaning over Scorpius from behind the chair. He picked up the pup's fluffy, chocolate-brown tail and used it to tickle the little nose, saying in baby-voice when the little one started giggling and reaching chubby hand-paws at the fluff, "You're mommy is going to be on desk duty, isn't he? That's right! That way he can stay with you all day and Papa Harry doesn't have to do any paperwork. Isn't that awesome? Yes it is! Yes it is!"

"Stop it!" Scorpius snapped, slapping the captain's hand.

"Careful, Harry," Ron advised from Scorpius's other side, "You know how defensive first-time mothers are."

"What's in the bag?" Harry asked as Ron innocently ignored Scorpius's sharp eyes.

"Oh!" Ron pulled the bag off his arm as if he'd forgotten about it. "I had Madam Pipsy at Malkin's make something for our little Scorpius here, to help him bond with his new puppy."

"I don't want it," Scorpius said flatly, but was talked-over by Ron adding, "They're supposed to respond to his emotions."

Ron handed the bag to Scorpius to distract him, having already removed the item in question, and a moment later Scorpius felt something slip onto his head. There was a pause and then the trio around him all cooed, "Awww!"

Startled, Scorpius jerked his hand to his head to feel what the vice captain had put on him. It took him a moment, but then he realized that the shape and soft fur he was feeling were dog ears. Scorpius's whole body tensed in anger.

"You-!"

"Oh, they really do respond!" Harry awed as the blonde dog ears flattened backwards in response to Scorpius's rage. He grinned over at Ron. "Good idea! They fit him perfectly!"

"The color matches so well!" Hermione praised.

"Yeah, I plucked a hair so Madam Pipsy would get it right," Ron boasted, sounding proud of himself.

"We should see if she can make him a tail, too-"

"That's it!" Scorpius said shrilly, standing abruptly and interrupting their chatting. He snatched his baby bag off of the ground and, dog ears still folded back, began to stomp away from them.

"Where are you going, peanut?" Harry called after his retreating assistant.

"I quit!" was the furious response.

"Aw, don't say that!"

The doors to the Auror office opened before Scorpius reached them and in stepped Draco Malfoy, saying as he did so, "Scorpius? I've come to retrieve you since you cannot apparate with the… _child_…"

"Father!" Scorpius cried, sounding relieved, and he sped over to Draco. "You're timely arrival will allow me to escape these lunatics!"

Draco stared in shock at Scorpius's livid expression and the dog ears on his son's head, making Harry and Ron exchange caught, 'Uh-Oh' looks. But then, to their surprise, he merely smiled affectionately and gently pat his son on the head.

"You're so adorable when you're murderous."


	3. He Tries to Play Matchmaker

There really is no format or destination for these chapter-shorts – I'm just making stuff up as I go along. Whoo-hoo! =D

-o-o-o-o-

"I'm not saying single parents are _bad_ parents," Harry explained, tilting his head thoughtfully as he tossed the paperweight he'd lifted from Scorpius's desk back and forth from one hand to the other, "but there're advantages to having two parents, for both the child and the adults."

Ron nodded in agreement and pushed aside the parchments on the Scorpius's desk so he could sit on the edge. "Definitely. I'd always take the kids out for a bit if Hermione needed some alone time, and I'd say our little assistant is starting to have that same stressed look she'd get."

"I noticed that, too. I bet it is that he's lonely, especially with it being so close to Christmas and all," Harry sighed, finally setting down the paperweight and instead fiddling with the various other office supplies on the desk, not even noticing that he was ruining the perfect order in which they were arranged.

"So we agree then?" Ron asked, scooting back for a more comfortable position and, incidentally, crinkling the parchments under his bum. "That our mommy needs a daddy?"

Harry tapped a few clips, making them unwind and begin to walk across the desk toward Ron. "Yeah, but the hard part is finding someone worthy enough for our sweetheart. I don't want him marrying just anyone."

Ron held out his hand so the clip-legs could walk up his arm. "'Course. Only the best for our Scorpius and Soren."

At the mention of the resident puppy, Harry leaned over to where the kid sat next to Scorpius's desk playing with toys and pat him on the head, receiving a wide smile and a tail wag in response.

Adorable, just like his mommy.

"What about that Robert Downs in the Misuse office?" Ron suggested.

Harry frowned as he considered the option. "No, he's too high-strung."

"How about Felipe Jeansonne?"

"That brat from Cooperation? Absolutely not."

"Then what about…"

"Stop. _Stop!_" Scorpius snapped, finally interrupting the tiresome conversation as he abruptly stood, glaring. His eye had started twitching the moment the captain and vice captain had decided to pause in front of his desk for their ridiculous conversation and the tic had only worsened as Harry and Ron destroyed his organization. "It's bad enough that you're discussing issues which don't concern either of you, and as if I wasn't sitting _right here_ no less, but do you have to make a _mess_-" He yanked the again-retrieved paperweight from Harry's hands. "-of my desk in the process?"

Harry and Ron stared at him in surprise.

"Are you upset because I said you were lonely?" Harry asked.

Scorpius resisted the urge to smack the man. "You're distracting me from doing _your_ paperwork. _Leave_."

"Aw, poptart, we're trying to help you," Harry assured. "It's not good for you to be all alone. I bet Soren wants a daddy, don't you Soren?"

The puppy-eared toddler just giggled as the three adults looked at him, not quite old enough to fully understand the meaning behind the conversation, but delighted that he was somehow involved.

"Scorpius is shy," Ron said contemplatively, moving back to the original topic, "so we need someone he already knows. That'll make it easier for him."

Harry nodded, disregarding the frustrated groan from his assistant as the conversation picked up again. "Someone sensible and kind…"

"Calm, real easy-going…"

"But funny, too…"

"And good with animals, because, _you know_…"

Harry and Ron exchanged a meaningful look.

"I'll be right back," Harry said, trotting into his personal office.

An ominous feeling settled over Scorpius as he watched the captain disappear into the Head Auror office.

What was that idiotic man up to?

"Mommy…"

Scorpius winced inwardly at the title – sending a biting glare toward his smirking vice captain that he _knew_ was partly responsible for the taught and encouraged name – but turned his attention to the toddler tugging on his robes. As soon as their eyes met, the child's arms shot up and his hands began making grabby-claws at Scorpius, indicating that being held was desired. Easily defeated by the large, chocolate eyes, Scorpius obliged his adopted son and leaned over to pick up the kid.

"Yes?" he asked, shifting the light weight to one hip and one arm so he could straighten the boy's play robes.

"Wanna play in snow," the toddler cooed, wiggling, and nuzzled his face into Scorpius's long hair.

By now, Scorpius was quite accustomed to the canine-like affection. "It's too cold, Soren. You'll catch a cold."

"Won't take it!" Soren denied, misunderstanding, and drew back to shake his head vehemently, eyes round and innocent.

"Hm, maybe layer, okay?" Scorpius said, once more conquered by those eyes. "Momm– I mean, _I_ have to finish my work first."

"Ron and I'll take him," Harry interjected, abruptly returning with a broad, cheerful grin.

Scorpius took one gauging look at his beaming captain and then backed away, holding his son protectively. "No. You're planning something, what is it?"

Harry followed, _chased_, Scorpius around the desk, his grin brightening as Soren shrieked with laughter at the assumed game. "Don't be so mistrusting, peach. You'll be happy once you realize how perfect it is. Won't he, Ron?"

"Yep," Ron agreed, suddenly directly behind the retreating assistant. "Couldn't have asked for a better match."

Scorpius squeaked as the vice captain gave him a ticklish pinch on his side, causing him to twist and shove away the older man with his free arm, the distraction making it easy for the captain to swoop in and thieve the excited toddler who was more than willing to go with "Papa Harry." Scorpius made to steal Soren back but was lifted from behind by Ron and swung in the direction of the Head Auror office, making both Harry and Soren laugh.

"Put me down!" Scorpius gasped, face red with embarrassment and desperately wishing he had his wand.

Ron did as requested by tossing the flustered, hissing assistant into Harry's office, closing the door quickly and charming it locked before Scorpius could regain his bearings.

"Don't worry," Harry shouted through the door, handing off Soren to "Papa Ron." "We'll keep good warming charms on Soren so he doesn't get sick! And we'll be back soon! You know, like an hour or so!"

"Let me out!" Scorpius demanded, his proper-upbringing the only thing keeping him from slamming his fists on the door in frustration. All he received in response, though, was a "Bye, bye, Mommy!" at the encouragement of the vice captain and he dropped his head into his hands with a groan.

An unexpected _whoosh!_ in the Head Auror's personal fireplace caught his attention and a moment later tall figure stepped through the green flames.

"Dad?" Albus Potter called frantically, searching the office. His gaze landed on Scorpius and he rushed over to the surprised blonde. "Is my dad here? He left a message with Bibi saying there was an emergency – what is it? What's going on?"

Eying the _North Ireland Refuge for Magical Creatures _badge affixed to the younger Potter's tattered work robes, realization dawned on Scorpius and he didn't even try to stop the roll of his eyes. Ignoring another frantic question, Scorpius trudged over to the large oak desk and plopped into the captain's comfortable chair, dropping his head onto the table with a sigh.

"Um…" Now Albus was both worried and confused as he watched his dejected former classmate – they hadn't talked much, being in different Houses, so Albus wasn't sure how to handle the blonde. He decided on politeness. "Will you please explain to me the emergency my father spoke of?"

"There is no emergency. Your father and uncle are barking mad, is all," came Scorpius's muffled reply. Then, "Why am I even here? What did I do to deserve this? I'm going to kill someone if I have to stay here any longer."

Albus stared at the forlorn (and apparently homicidal) Malfoy for a long moment.

"May I ask you something?" he said at last.

"Un?" Scorpius grunted.

"Does anything ever actually get done in this office?"


	4. He Never Tells Me the Plan

Just another day in poor Scorpius's life on the job… XD

-o-o-o-o-

"Scorpius! Here, kitty!"

Grinding his teeth, Scorpius ignored his captain's summons and focused instead on blocking the multiple incoming curses. He'd already successfully , and quickly, guided civilians to the safe point, established the location of their attackers, strengthened the alley wall they hid behind so it wouldn't crumble under the force of the spells, and was now returning fire – all while Harry lollygagged around, doing who knows what, making useless and inappropriate comments.

As per usual.

As he hadn't responded to the call, the captain soon appeared at his side, grinning.

"Isn't this fun?" Harry asked excitedly. "It's been so long since we had a good raid! I feel like a rookie on his first mission!"

Scorpius sighed. "Was there something you needed, _Captain?_"

"Oh, right!" Harry slung an arm around Scorpius's shoulders and turned them both to face the alleyway that mirrored theirs across the street, where the vice captain was trapped alone. "I need you to take Ron a message for me."

Scorpius's irritated scowl disappeared in an instant in favor of shock, his eyebrows shooting up under his bangs as his eyes widened considerably. "Wha… You mean _over there? _Right _now?_"

Harry chuckled. "Of course I mean right now. What good would a defense tactic do us _after_ the battle?"

"But-but-!" Scorpius gestured wildly at the numerous curses landing in the street between the two alleys, destroying anything touched by the dark magic and gouging holes into the pavement.

"You worried about those?" Harry waved his hand in the air as though to shoo away the thoughts from Scorpius's mind. "Don't worry. I'll cover you."

"Unless by 'cover' you mean you're going to tip a bucket of curse-proof potion over my head and body, I think you need to come up with a new plan," Scorpius snapped. At the captain's contemplative expression, he quickly added, "That sort of potion _doesn't_ exist! _Merlin_, just send a patronus or something!"

"I tried that, but the curses keep hitting it before it gets there," Harry pouted.

Scorpius stared at him incredulously, sputtering, "You can't protect a _patronus_ but you think you can protect _me?_ Go yourself!"

"Now, now peppercorn, don't get angry. It's not helpful to the situation, and you should know to obey your superiors," Harry chided but pet the top of Scorpius's head to show that he wasn't upset, smiling brightly at his adorable assistant's adorably dark scowl.

Scorpius shoved the petting hand off of his head. "I wasn't sent to the Auror department to obey your every _dangerous_ whim. I have a very _specific _job to do and it does not include me running to the enemy buffet for a curse-laced sandwich!"

Harry blinked in surprise. "What? Really? I always thought they sent you to us because we requested a department pet–"

"_Pet?_"

"–but what sort of specificities are we talking about?"

Deciding to let the pet comment slide (for now), Scorpius squared his shoulders and raised his chin. "There are many goals to improving the Auror Department, but mostly I was requested to provide assistance through tactical design and help with medical emergencies on missions."

_Ah, ruffling his important feathers, so cute. _Harry smiled fondly but then jolted at Scorpius's words. "Medical emergencies? So if someone gets hurt on the mission…?"

"Then I _help_," Scorpius said exasperatedly, almost rolling his eyes. "The ultimate goal is to have a mediwizard on every enforcement squad," and then mumbled, "You would know that if you read your memos."

"Ohh, I see," Harry said and hummed to himself thoughtfully. Then, turning back toward the other alley, he flicked his wand sharply and a glittery, dark blue spell shot toward the vice captain. When it hit, Ron slumped against the nearest wall and slid down it, unconscious. Harry turned back to Scorpius with a smirk. "Well, it seems something's wrong with our vice captain. As the mediizard, you should go help him."

Scorpius's mouth gapped in shock. "Wha- Why- Did you- Mer- Did you just use a sleeping charm on the vice captain _during a_ _battle?_"

"Wow! Good call on the spell, poppet!" Harry praised, grinning, and took his stunned assistant by the arm, leading Scorpius closer to the opening of the alley. "Now be a good kitty and go take care of Ron."

A sharp push and Scorpius suddenly found himself stumbling into the middle of the street. With a shriek-yelp of anger and fear he bolted as fast as he could to the other alleyway, curses exploding all around him. Once safely behind the wall, he grabbed onto the brick and huffed out short, quick terrified breaths, eyes impossibly wide. As soon as he could get his voice to work again, he snapped his head back to his grinning captain and screamed, "_Are you mad?_ _Why_ would you _do_ that? Are you trying to get me killed?"

"You were safe the entire time!" Harry shouted reassuringly, not that Scorpius believed him in the slightest. "Ah, I forgot to tell you the message! Will you run back?"

"_Absolutely not!_"

"That's okay! It was just that Hermione needs Ron to buy milk on the way home today, and I thought he should know!"

"If it's okay to yell the message _now_ then you should have yelled–" Scorpius cut off with a gasp of realization before shrieking, "You sent me over here for _that?_"

Harry laughed brightly. "Of course not! Make sure you keep your head down, pecan!"

"What? Keep my head down? What are you–"

_WHOOM!_

-o-o-o-o-

"I think those entrapment spells went really well," Ron said with a nod of authority, sitting in the comfiest guest chair in Harry's office.

"Yes, it was quite effective," Harry agreed, setting aside his quill and tapping the short parchments he'd been filling out into alignment.

"Complicated?"

"Ohh yeah. Took me a long time to set 'em up."

Ron smirked. "Good thing our kitten was there to take care of everything else."

"I know. He's grown up so well, hasn't he?" Harry said, sounding strangely similar to a proud parent with tears even coming to his eyes. Then the mood broke as he chuckled. "You should have seen his face when I activated the spell. So sweet."

Ron gave Harry a flat look. "I would have if someone hadn't sent me to lala land. Where is Scorpius right now anyway?"

"I think he went home once the last criminal was celled," Harry said distractedly, also wondering where the department pet had gone.

There was a _whoosh!_ in the fireplace as green flames lit. A second later Albus's head appeared.

"Uncle Ron," Albus said with a polite nod and then turned to his father. "Dad, I just thought you should know that Scorpius says he won't be talking to you anymore."


	5. He Only Hears Himself

Last two weeks were pretty busy, but here is this week's quick (very quick!) torment of Scorpius.

…By _torment_, I of course mean _assisting the proverbial removal of the introverted shell and stick up his arse._ It's just faster to say _torment_. =D

-o-o-o-o-

"Scoooorpiiiiuuuuussss!"

A sudden heavy weight settled over Scorpius's back and he had to brace his palms on the desk to keep from smacking into it at the unexpected force. With a sigh, he didn't bother struggling or glaring and simply slumped defeated underneath the captain draped over him, arms wrapped around him like he was a child's teddy bear and chin propped on his head, and stared woefully at the tear through the "Official Reports" parchment his quill made when his hand had jerked.

"What do you need, Captain Potter?" Scorpius grumbled, and then, with an 'oof!', was pressed closer to the desk as Harry leaned on him harder.

"Sweet pea," Harry whined, "Ginny and Lily are mad at me-"

"That's not new."

"-and they're both giving me the silent treatment-"

"Completely justifiable, I'm sure."

"-something they learned from _you_-"

"Smart girls."

"-and I didn't even _do_ anything this time-"

"Liar."

"-and all I said was that Lily's wedding plans are getting a bit out of hand-"

"You said that to your _daughter?_"

"-and that maybe she and that Snapdragon bloke-"

"Honestly! He's about to be your son-in-law. Call him by his first name."

"-should just elope like you and Al did-"

"That's– huh?" Scorpius blinked, and then finally began to twist and thrash in the captain's grasp, a blush blooming on his face. "What- that's not- we didn't- _no!_ That was a _vacation_ for _Soren_ and Albus just happened to come along!"

"-because it's just so much cheaper!" The only indication Harry made that he acknowledged Scorpius's interruptions and consequent wriggling was clinging tighter to the blonde. "Do you have any idea how expensive this wedding is getting? I mean, really, who needs that many flowers? The reception hall looks like a jungle!"

Scorpius huffed and again slumped under Harry's unyielding weight. "It's her _wedding_. Don't you want it to be exactly how she always dreamed it would be? That sort of thing is important to girls."

"That's the same thing Ginny said," Harry complained. "You're practically my second wife, Scorpius."

"That's just-!" Scorpius squeaked, blushing harder. "That is improper on so many levels!"

"Because I'm _already_ married?"

"Yes!"

"Because you're my _assistant_?"

"Of course! This is workplace harassme-"

"Because you're _half my_ _age_?"

"That's part of it-"

"Because _you're_ the son of my boyhood enemy?"

"Family feud is an acceptable reasoning-"

"Because you're married to my _son_?"

"You can't just-"

"And the future _mother_ of my grandchildren?"

"What! I would never take a pregnancy potion-"

"You're right. This affair is completely improper," the captain decided firmly and released Scorpius at last. He folded his hands over his chest authoritatively when Scorpius warily glanced back at him. "Pursuing a married man like that– you little minx! I'll have to warn Ron and the others. Does Al know what you've been up to?"

Scorpius dropped his face into his hands and gave a frustrated groan.

"I don't even understand what's going on anymore!"


	6. He Finds it Funny to be Irritating

Random update! =D

WIHMC shorts will continue to be posted as the crazy ideas present themselves…

The credit for Ron's spell idea in this chapter goes to my friend Aaron. XD

-o-o-o-o-

"Those actually exist?"

Scorpius shot the vice captain a flat look and whispered back, "You should already know about this! You are married and have two children, for Merlin's sake!"

"Hermione's never mentioned anything about it," Ron muttered, eyebrows drawn together in confusion. His eyes flicked to the warehouse they were staking out before focusing on Scorpius again. "If anyone would know about it, Hermione would. She'd be brilliant at it, too."

"Your wife's possibly intimate knowledge of contraceptive spells is not a topic I wish to discuss," Scorpius snapped, blushing and refusing to meet the other's curious stare.

"What's got you so red?" Ron said, arching an eyebrow and snorting disbelievingly at Scorpius's tense shoulders and shifty eyes. Puppy-like nature though the young man may have, Ron didn't believe for a second that Scorpius was perfectly innocent, especially if Harry's son was as involved with the single mum as Harry frequently claimed. A thought occurred to Ron and he, grinning, nudged Scorpius with his elbow. "Why do _you_ know so much about contraceptive spells? Is Soren going to have a sibling in the near future? Or sibling_s_, since pregnancy potions tend to over-fertilize, right? You gonna have twins?"

_"What?" _Scorpius squawked, and Ron had to throw an arm around the indignant blonde to keep him sitting on the wooden crate rather than standing and giving away their position to the guards posted around the warehouse. The silencing charm didn't make them invisible, after all. Scorpius shoved the arm away with a hissing glare. "I don't know what our _juvenile_ captain has told you, but you _will_ _not_ repeat such a ridiculous notion again! I am _not_ pregnant, nor will I _ever_ be!"

"Because you use contraceptive spells."

"You-!" Scorpius's hand flew up and he made strangling gestures at Ron's neck but never actually latched on, the motions turning to frustrated claws at Ron's chuckling. Giving up with a huff, he turned away to glower at the warehouse.

"I'm only teasing," Ron placated and reached over to pet the pouting assistant. Scorpius first leaned into the soothing pets like a cat before shrugging the hand off. Ron smiled. "You didn't answer my first question: if it's not an issue for you, why do you know about contraceptive spells?"

"Sexual Education has been a required course for third years at Hogwarts since 2014," Scorpius sniffed. "Also, I _am _a certified mediwizard. Even mediwizard washouts know the basics of contraceptive spells."

"Hmm, makes sense, I s'pose." Ron smirked to himself as he wondered how in depth the course for fourteen year olds went into "sexual situations" but then blushed in embarrassment at the thought of his Rose having taken the class. And Hugo! No wonder the kid knew so much… "So what's the incantation for the spell?"

Scorpius rolled his eyes. "You have access to the public and Ministry libraries. Please research the topic yourself."

"I don't like reading."

"Your wife does. Stop asking me."

"It's just that," Ron said, leaning back and folding his arms over his chest, "I'm trying to imagine what one would be."

"Please don't hurt yourself attempting higher-level functions," Scorpius scoffed.

The vice captain ignored him, rubbing his bristly chin thoughtfully. "It just seems like something I'd have heard about before now."

Scorpius was smirking, nose tilted up arrogantly. "With the size of your family, I can understand why you wouldn't- ow!"

"Stop being snarky," Ron admonished, withdrawing his wand that he'd used to smack the blonde's head with as he frowned. "And stop sneering like that. It doesn't look good on ya. You're too cute to pull that off. Too much Greengrass and not enough Malfoy."

Rubbing the sore spot, Scorpius glared but remained silent.

"Anyway, back to contraceptive spells, do you think Hermione already knows about 'em and just never told me?" Ron asked and resumed his thoughtful pose. "I have noticed her doing spellwork just before we–"

"I don't want to hear about it!" Scorpius interrupted quickly, hands coming up over his ears, his expression incredulous and yet another blush creeping into his cheeks. "That is so- just- this conversation is completely _improper!_ We should never have started it to begin with!"

Ron regarded the terribly flustered assistant indifferently for a moment before shrugging and returning to watching the warehouse. "Yeah, I s'pose. Surveillance it just so boring, is all."

Scorpius eyed the vice captain, suspicious, but, deciding that the topic was indeed going to be dropped, relaxed his body a bit. Stakeouts were indeed rather mind-numbing, but a discussion about his vice captain's bedroom activities was not only completely inappropriate but also something he never wanted to think about.

Never ever.

Ron shifted with a sigh, tapping his finger on his knee.

Scorpius grabbed the offensive hand, giving the vice captain a look both annoyed and pleading.

Ron sighed again.

The warehouse remained empty and uneventful.

Then, "Is it _preventius babius_, or something?"

"Ugh-! I thought we decided to _not_ discuss it anymore!"

"But I'm _bored_," Ron whined, sounding eerily like their captain and even taking a page from Harry's book by falling over against Scorpius's shoulder, practically flopping onto the smaller man's lap. "I shouldn't even be here! I'm the Vice Captain! It's all because that bungling rookie Richards can't keep his hexes straight!"

"Please-! You are-! The crate is-! We're slipping!" Scorpius squeaked, struggling to push Ron off, and, true to his words, the crate beneath them creaked as it tipped and they crashed to the muddy ground below. Wincing, Scorpius tried to sit up, pushing at the vice captain's shoulders, but a hand was over his mouth in a second and he was held to the ground.

"Crap," Ron muttered. "Someone's coming."

Scorpius felt the cold water seeping through his robes against his back and, shuddering at the realization, in his hair, but tried to focus on the vice captain's drawn wand and the feel of the wards around them wavering.

Someone was indeed coming!

The smell of freshly-baked bread wafted to the two Aurors on the ground and a moment later Harry's head, and eventually his whole body, appeared as he tugged off the invisibility cloak. He frowned down at his muddy inferiors. "What…?"

"Merlin, Harry!" Ron sighed in relief. "We thought we'd been found out."

"What are you two doing?" Harry asked, cocking his head to the side curiously.

Ron, despite Scorpius's renewed efforts to get off the wet ground, stayed where he was, effectively pinning the muddied Auror, and simply grinned at the captain. "Scorpius was telling me about contraceptive spells."

"Ah-ha!" Harry dashed to their sides and stared down hard at Scorpius, pulling a breadstick from his bag to shake at the annoyed assistant. "I knew it! You _are_ a crafty, little minx! Ohh, I'm telling Albus about this, don't think I won't! You may be my mistress but he's my son!"

"I am no such thing!" Scorpius snapped. With all his force, he managed to push the vice captain off and then scurried to his feet, sending the mud flying away from his clothes and hair with an irritated flick of his wand. He then snatched the breadstick and invisibility cloak away from Harry with startling speed and proceeded to stomp toward the edge of the wards. "I'm leaving!"

"Wha- You can't go, peach!" Harry protested, shoving the bag of bread in Ron's arms and moving after Scorpius. "This is your assignment! And I just got here!"

Scorpius threw the cloak over his shoulders, disappearing all except his head, which he tilted back to give Harry what was intended to be a particularly vicious glare but really just looked like a wounded pout. Then he pulled the hood up and the wards wavered as he swept through them, taking the captain's breadstick with him.

Harry and Ron stared at the empty space, each sighing at the loss of their toy, but caught each other's eye and swapped grins.

"What's this about him being your mistress?" Ron asked as he turned the crate up again and cleared it of mud.

"Ah, just another thing that fluffs his fur," Harry chuckled and settled on the crate next to Ron, reaching for the bread to munch on his dinner.


	7. He Adds to Problems

I haven't written Soren for a couple of chapters so… Family fun… Just for sweetness. =)

-o-o-o-o-

A flutter of gray landed nearby and the already difficult task of buttoning the child's coat became even more tricky as Soren gasped sharply and then began to dance from foot to foot, tail taking off in an excited, quick wag.

"Mommie!" Soren yipped and waved his arms in a mimic of wings. "There're birdies! Can I chase 'em? CanIchase'em? CanIchase'em?"

Scorpius sighed, finally getting the buttons folded for the third time that day, and eyed his adopted son thoughtfully. How on Earth the pup managed to coordinate so many movements at the same time was a mystery. Surely a muscle would be pulled soon.

Albus chuckled and leaned over to pat Soren on the head between the perked brown ears. "Just for a little bit, we have to leave soon. Be careful not to get too dirty."

With an excited squeal, Soren launched toward the unsuspecting flock that twittered around the edge of the park pond. He was only a few feet away when he tripped and slid through the muddy grass on his front, making Scorpius wince and Albus laugh, but he clambered back to his feet in no time and continued his chase of the now scattering birds.

"So much for not getting dirty. That was an expensive coat, too," Scorpius said woefully.

"Oh, I think the house-elves have gotten used to removing mud and grass stains," Albus consoled. When they heard the happy yell of, "Geeeeeeeeeese!" he added, "And the blood stains."

The geese, of course, were far more formidable opponents than the pigeons and Scorpius watched in horror as Soren ran at one. The large bird spread its wings high and charged in retaliation with a series of loud honks. Soren skid to a stop, ears dropping and tail freezing mid-wag, and then, with a shriek of terror, immediately retreated. Though the fluffy brown tail was already tucked down, the goose managed to snatch it and Soren yelped.

"Mommie! Mommie! Mooooooommiiiiiiie!" Soren howled, trying to both run and twist away from the goose at the same time.

Scorpius and Albus both jumped to action, with Albus hitting the goose with a startling but harmless spell and Scorpius running forward to scoop up a muddy, whimpering Soren. The boy weighed quite a bit more than he used to, however, so Scorpius soon eased him back to the ground and kneeled in front of him. Soren sniffled and rubbed his eyes, wiggling closer and consequently covering them both in mud but Albus was quick with another charm and the mud fell away, leaving behind only the stains on Soren's front.

"It… It… It… It b-bited muh-my t-t-tail!" Soren hiccupped, said tail wrapping around his torso protectively.

"There, there," Scorpius soothed, rubbing the trembling back. "Now we know not to chase the geese, right? Just like we leave the peacocks alone."

"B-B-But they're s-so big and-and so fl-fluffy," Soren protested.

"What's this? Family outing gone wrong?"

The responses to the new voice were instant: Scorpius cringed, Albus smiled, and Soren perked up through his tears.

"Papa Harry!" Soren squealed and slipped free from Scorpius's grasp, running straight for the older man and clinging tightly around his legs.

"Heya Dad," Albus greeted with a nod.

Scorpius exhaled heavily, muttering, "Captain."

Harry lifted the squirming child into his arms with a great huff. "You sure grow fast, Soren! Look at you, already so big!"

"Daddy says Ima gonnabea Beater," Soren stated proudly, tail back to its usual quick wag, clearly not injured from the goose's attack. It paused as he tilted his head curiously. "What's a Beater?"

"_Daddy?_" Harry asked slowly, a smirk growing as he looked back and forth between an eye-rolling Scorpius and a grinning Albus.

"Your son _unfortunately_ picked up a few bad habits from you," Scorpius snipped, shooting Albus a glare.

"Honestly now, pumpkin," Harry chided, setting Soren back on the ground with a small wince, "You have to stop all this denial. It's getting a bit ridiculous."

"Why are you here, Dad?" Albus asked quickly, seeing Scorpius start to puff up. Soren ran to him and he picked the boy up with ease. An Inugami child was hardly anything to what he dealt with at the Refuge, after all.

Harry smiled and scratched behind Soren's ear. "I got my favorite grandson a present and wanted to bring it to him."

"A _present_?" Soren shrieked.

"He's your _only_ grandson," Albus laughed.

"He's _not_ your grandson," Scorpius corrected. Then, "Wait, how did you know we were here?"

"Because I've a trace on you," Harry answered dismissively, ignoring Scorpius's scandalized expression. Instead, he opened his robe, reached into a deep pocket and pulled out a small ball of white fluff.

It mewed.

The blood drained from Scorpius and Albus's faces.

"Kitty! A kitty!" Soren cried and wiggled out of an unmoving Albus's arms to snatch up the tiny feline. He rubbed his face against it and the kitten began to crawl and cling onto his shoulder. "So cute! Cute! Cute! Kitty!"

Albus rubbed the heels of his palms into his eyes and Scorpius glared at Harry.

"Are you out of your mind?" Scorpius snapped under his breath, glancing at Soren to make sure the boy hadn't heard.

"What do you mean? I thought you said he likes cats?" Harry asked, genuinely confused. His face then lit up in shock. "You didn't mean _like_ as in _for dinner_, did you?"

Scorpius slapped his arm. "Of course not!"

Harry lifted an eyebrow. "Then what's the problem? Every child needs a pet."

"The problem is, _that_ child has _plenty_ of pets," Albus sighed.

"I can't… I can't k-keep him?" Soren asked, having heard the last bit of the adult's conversation. His lower lip jutted out, his ears drooped, and his eyes widened with ready-to-shed tears, the white kitten held to his chest protectively. "I c-can't keep G-Goosey?"

Albus caught Scorpius's attention, shrugging lightly. "What's another one, right?"

"I supposed he has already named it…" Scorpius sighed.

"Yah!" Soren yipped and held the kitten up for another face rub.

-o-o-o-o-

Two weeks later, when Harry spontaneously flooed out of the Malfoy's sitting room fireplace, calling for Scorpius before he even had a good foothold in his rush to get moving on their newest hot case, he was met with six cats lounging on the sitting room furniture.

"Oh my," Harry murmured as he was lazily watched by the half-snoozing creatures.

A _pop!_ and a house-elf appeared, bowing and saying, "Young Master is with Young Young Master and Husband in the play room."

Harry didn't bother containing his grin (proudly knowing that Albus had indeed picked up a thing or two) and asked for directions to the "play room." On the way there, he passed four more cats and he blinked at them curiously.

If they already had ten cats, no wonder Albus and Scorpius had been fearful of another addition.

Arriving at the play room, Harry marched inside, saying, "Scorpius, darling! We just got assigned a priority case from the Minister himself, so grab your things because we're– Holy hell!"

The quite large room was stuffed and crawling with well over fifty cats, the meows ringing sweetly in the air. In the center of the room, Soren sat in a plush chair with five kittens on his lap, one of which was the white one Harry had given him two weeks prior.

"Papa Harry!" he squeaked, waving excitedly.

Albus and Scorpius, both looking oddly comfortable with the outrageous number of felines, sat nearby by, multiple cats lounging with and on them.

"Wha… This is…" Harry stammered as cats twisted around and rubbed against his legs.

Scorpius scowled and snapped, "I _told_ you. He likes cats."

Albus sighed heavily. "It's pretty hard to say no to a literal puppy-dog face."


	8. He Doesn't Know When He's Fooled

I had fun writing this chapter. =)

-o-o-o-o-

Harry stared blankly at his brother-in-law standing before his desk, trying to work out what he had just been told, trying to wrap his mind around the atrocity of it. He opened his mouth to speak, but closed it again, face twisting in confusion. He gawped a few more seconds before he finally managed, "Wait… What?"

On the cushy, guest armchair nearby, Ron shifted forward, one hand propped on his knee as he leaned and the other moving randomly in the air as though he were trying to physically grasp his words, and added, "Say that again, Perce? We didn't quite catch it…"

Percy rolled his eyes at the two bewildered men and heaved a suffering sigh. "I _said_, Scorpius Malfoy, Assistant to the Captain of Aurors, is to be transferred _immediately_ to the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes on Level 3, and should promptly report to Captain Arrhenius Bulborn of the Accidental Magic Reversal Squad for subsequent instruction pertaining to his new position as Assistant to the Assistant of the Second Vice Captain's Assistant."

Harry and Ron stared.

"_What?_" Harry said, still seeming quite confused.

Percy glared. "I fail to see the difficulty–"

"That's rubbish!" Ron interrupted, slamming a fist on his armrest. "Scorpius is _ours!_ We're not letting you take him!"

"I apologize, _Vice Captain Weasley_," Percy said with annoyance, "but the decision is not yours to make. This was all sent to you in a notice last week, if you recall, as it has all already been processed. Chief Tiddletok of Ministry Employment has already signed the Approval for Interdepartmental Transfers form, as well as the New Department Employment and Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes New Department Employment _Specifics _forms, to have Malfoy relocated, as his responsibilities within the Auror Office – I am positive you received a memo about _them_ – are now fulfilled. Adequate information has been gathered on the necessity of mediwizards on Magical Law Enforcement squads, thus making his position here obsolete. His talents will be better utilized–"

"His position's not obso anything!" Ron protested, jumping to his feet. He gestured wildly between himself and Harry. "Do you honestly think _we'd_ get anything done here without Scorpius? This whole place'll go under if you take him away! There won't _be_ an Auror Office!"

"Nonsense," Percy scoffed, turning his nose up at the idea. "Barely passable though Captain Potter's management of Ministry Forms and Protocol may be, it is tolerable enough that Chief Tiddletok feels–"

"I don't care what Chief Tiddle–"

"Oh for Merlin's sake, Ron! Stop interrupting me!" Percy snapped. "The kid is getting transferred whether you like it or not!"

"Wait," Harry said, distracting the two brothers from their glaring contest. He blinked up at Percy. "What?"

"Argh!" Percy cried in frustration, and then slammed a roll of parchments down on the desk in front of Harry. "You are perfectly capable of reading. The transfer information is all in here, including the written reprimand for not acknowledging the transfer notice, which you are required to sign and return via memo or owl."

Ron snatched up the parchment roll as soon as Percy's hands left it. "A reprimand? We never got a notice! Scorpius handles all the memos and he _definitely_ would have told us if he was getting transferred."

"If you had _read_ Article XXVIII, Section AAB, Subsection five of the Ministry Code of Conduct and Affairs," Percy said with an arrogant sniff, "then you _know_ that employees involved in relocations are not permitted to read the memos about such transfers, as it is inappropriate in the work environment, _unless_ it falls under the Monally Transfer Code of Article XIV, Section AJ, bullet two."

Ron and Harry exchanged stunned expressions.

"Subsection five? There's a Section AAB?" Harry asked. "Wait, there's an Article XXVIII?"

"I stopped reading after Section C of Article II," Ron said with a shrug, ignoring Percy indignant gasp. Returning to the argument, he turned to Percy and continued, "Even if Scorpius couldn't read it, it still would've popped into the memo box! And he's the only one that checks that bloody thing, and he never said anything about it, so I'm telling you we didn't get any stupid notice!"

"Well, it has been logged as being sent, so maybe the magic on your memo box is faulty," Percy argued back. He grabbed the roll of parchments from Ron and slammed them in front of Harry again. "Malfoy is to be transferred. Read and sign. That is all, _Captain_ Potter."

With that, he flounced out of Harry's office with a swirl of his robes.

"Git," Ron grumbled and dropped back into his commandeered armchair, slouching for a moment before leaning forward with elbows on knees and hands clasped under his chin. He gave Harry a serious look. "What's the plan?"

Harry glared at roll of parchment that Percy had left. "I'll call in some favors. There's no way I'm letting Accidents and Catastrophes and _Bulborn_ of all people have him."

-o-o-

"I'm afraid it just doesn't work like that, Captain Potter."

"Why not?" Harry demanded, folding his arms and pushing his shoulders back in what he hoped was his most daunting Auror stance.

Tiddletok did not look the slightest bit intimidated. "Assistant Malfoy is just as his title implies: an _assistant_. As in accordance to bullet H of Subsection three of Section AD of Article III of the Ministry Employment Terms and Conditions, assistants are not full-time employees and are subject to relocation at any time that it is deemed necessary to do so."

"Subsection what of… Nevermind," Harry held up a hand, rubbing his temple with the other, "Scorpius is only getting paid for part-time employment? But he's in the office more than any of my Aurors!"

"Is he?" Tiddletok raised an eyebrow. "Then I impress upon you the need to inform him of Article–"

"Can't he just be a full time employee?" Harry asked quickly, not really caring what Article, Section, Subsection, and Bullet were being breached by Scorpius's enthusiasm for organization and efficiency. "In the Auror Office, I mean. Can't he just be my… I don't know, Second Vice Captain?"

"I am afraid that is a bit redundant," Tiddletok said with a frown. "The Auror Office has no need for a Second Vice Captain–"

"Bulborn has a Second Vice Captain! Why does the Magical Reversal Squad get a Second Vice Captain and the Aurors don't?" Harry argued, glaring as Tiddletok's mouth thinned disapprovingly at his outburst. "Hell, you want to make Scorpius Bulborn's Second Vice Captain's Assistant's Assistant's assistant! Wait, no… No, yeah. Yeah, that's right… I think. Anyway, the point is, why can't I have a Second Vice Captain? One that's in charge of paperwork and… stuff."

"The Accidental Magic Reversal Squad of the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes has need of a Second Vice Captain, and his subsequent assistants, because there are _more_ magical accidents and catastrophes than there are criminal dark wizards," Tiddletok explained. For the first time since Harry had stormed his office, he sounded a wee bit annoyed.

They stared at each other in silence for a long while.

Then, Harry firmly said, "I want a Second Vice Captain."

And Tiddletok firmly replied, "It cannot be done."

Harry spun on his heel and stomped to the door, wrenching it open with more force than necessary. Shooting a glare over his shoulder, he growled, "This isn't over," and then stomped out and back toward the lifts.

-o-o-

"Tiddletok's trying to take my toy!"

Kingsley Shacklebolt glanced up from the parchment he was reading at the infuriated Auror Captain standing in his doorway. He gently set the parchment aside as Harry slammed the door closed and slumped onto the cushion in front of his desk. "I apologize, Captain Potter. I had thought this was the Minister's Office, _not_ the nursery."

Harry sent him a flat look but at least clarified, "He wants to relocate Scorpius to Bulborn's squad."

"Scorpius? Scorpius Malfoy?" Kingsley asked. "Didn't you protest earlier when they sent him to be your assistant? Something about how you didn't need a _child_, as you put it, tailing your every move? And now you are protesting his relocation?"

"They're not taking him, Kingsley," Harry said. "I suggested that they just make him my Second Vice Captain, but Tiddletok refused. Encouragement from you would be helpful."

"Calling in a favor?" Kingsley murmured, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "The Auror Office has never had a Second Vice Captain before."

Harry's smile was too cheery to be real. "No, but with Ron and I being so busy all the time, I'm afraid all the paperwork would have to fall to Dennis Creevey. And I mean _all_ the paperwork. Poor lad."

Kingsley paled noticeably as he considered the dismal, chicken-scratch reports he had occasionally received from Auror Creevey, as opposed to the organized, elegant hand of Assistant Malfoy, whose color-coded filing system he was tempted to enforce upon all departments (and only hadn't yet because, Merlin, not _another_ Article!).

He narrowed his eyes at Harry. "You wouldn't dare."

Harry smirked. "Do you really want to find out?"

Kingsley didn't.

-o-o-o-o-

"A promotion?"

"Yes," Tiddletok said gruffly, shooting at glare at the beaming Auror Captain standing nearby before turning his gaze back to the now former Assistant to the Auror Captain. "You are being reinstated as the new Second Vice Captain starting tomorrow, a full-time position. Your new responsibilities and expectations are all included within these scrolls. Be sure to read them at the soonest available opportunity so that you may perform your job suitably."

Scorpius accepted the scrolls, so many of them that he nearly dropped a few, and gave a confused smile. "Oh, okay. I… understand."

"Of course you do!" Harry laughed, coming around the desk to clap Scorpius on the back. He guided the young, new Second Vice Captain to the door. "Why don't you go read up on all that rubbish while I have a quick word with Chief Tiddletok here, okay?"

The Auror Captain's office door closed behind him and Scorpius paused for a moment to make sure no one else was around before smirking and striding over to his desk, setting down the scrolls. He opened the second drawer of the desk and removed the de-warded memo that contained the notice about his transfer to Level 3 that would no longer transpire, tossing it into the nearest fireplace. Then, shuffling through the scrolls, he pulled out one labeled "Appropriation of Funds."

"Not enough money in the Department for the new Dewey filing cabinets, hm, Captain Potter?" he murmured, reading over his acquired responsibility of managing the Auror Office funds with a wicked grin. "We'll see about that."


End file.
